Monthly Update 5/17/2025
This has been a really tough month. I've been in a pretty deep depressive episode for a few weeks now; not sure if it's meds related or just cuz things are pretty tough right now. Or both, I guess. It's made me struggle to be productive and complete daily quests, but there's still stuff to report.
I've been more consistent with skin care so I bought some more specific treatment stuff. I'm not terribly self conscious about wrinkles or anything, I personally think a lot of them are gorgeous badges of happiness and emotion, but I do have enormous pores and I kinda hate that for myself. So treatments. It's been fun, actually. Targeted self care is an amazing balm when I'm feeling bad. Not a fix, but def worth it.
I have been reading my book. I veer between loving and hating it. I'm trying to not do too much editing yet, because it's less daunting that way, but every time I sit and read I'm struck by how much work there still is to do. I never sat down and planned the story beforehand, I "let it develop naturally" as I wrote, and while that did make for some great scenes, it also made for some really pointless and slow ones. So just cut them, right? Except, a lot of the scenes flow into each other pretty seamlessly, so removing one leaves an obvious gap.
I definitely shot myself in the foot there. Next time, we storyboard before we write prose.
Anyways, my goal is ten minutes a day, but that's been translating to "I just do slightly more than an hour, one day a week, and that's technically hitting my time for the week, right?" So I'm not really building the habit I want to build. It's ok though. I have to acknowledge that a depressive episode is not the best time to build a new habit, and I have other habits (childcare routines, anyone?) that have to come first.
Biking may also be a habit that's coming first, which is crazy to me. I am usually so bad at regular exercise. I can think of one time in my life where I did home exercising for half an hour every other day, for like six months. I was like, 20. It hasn't happened since.
The exercise bike may be where it's at, though. The low impact is brilliant for my joints and my herniated disc. It's one of very few exercises I can do where I don't have joint pain after, just that nice lactic acid soreness. I also discovered I like using a reformer at PT, and we bought one, but it takes up a lot of space so I can't really use it yet. We'll see if it comes outta the garage any time soon or not.
I really want to exercise more regularly, both for Erica and in preparation for my next pregnancy, whenever that happens. Erica came so early, I'd be smart to be in really good health before trying to carry another baby. We want the kids to be around two years apart, so that really only gives me several months, maybe half a year. Gotta put in those miles.
Other updates are pretty much limited to family. Nersch got accepted into a program that will let them transfer directly from ACC to NCSU in a couple years, so we're real proud of that. Pops is working real hard to try and get his business off the ground, working lots of hours at a bunch of different projects. Idk how he manages to keep meeting his writing goal while he works all the damn time, but it's impressive.
Kurt is pretty much the same, and I suppose at this point it actually can't get much worse. He can't feed or move himself. He nods or says a word sometimes, maybe a sentence on a really good day, and I guess that'll eventually go. Otherwise he's pretty helpless and dependent on others. We think he's still taking more information in than he can really communicate about - like he seems to sorta know what's going on sometimes, but who can really say?
Good news is, insurance finally approved a Hoyer lift for transferring him to chairs without murdering all our wussy backs. We're glad he won't be stuck in bed quite so much now.
The situation with Kurt is really emotionally fraught and more difficult than I have the right to freely share online. I realized the other day that his scans don't really matter to me anymore, and that feels terrible. It used to feel so important - does he have more tumor growth? Could he suddenly get much worse? But the scans stayed fairly normal and he got worse anyways. Now he really can't get much worse. Who cares what his MRIs look like?
I worry it's too dismissive, but it's also just how I feel. I no longer really anticipate the results. We're all horribly torn between wanting more time with Kurt and wanting our lives to be taken off hold.
Speaking of being on hold... Ken also suffered a terrible tragedy that isn't mine to share here, so now his next trip will be 11 days instead of 8. So that'll be 11 days living at the in laws now, starting the first of the month, which is definitely a mixed bag. We're glad to help Ken and Kurt and Jane in this way, but it'll definitely be crazy to be away so long. I feel bad for the cats. Mike will check in on them for us and I'll probably come home at least once or twice, but it's gonna be crazy. Life is insane right now.
I did save the best update for last. Erica is doing amazing. Her eye drift is improving and her development is right on track. She's 13 months old tomorrow. She turns book pages, gives high fives, puts things in containers and dumps them out, and pushes buttons. She points everywhere and wants to explore everything. She signs tons of things, and now sometimes verbally says all done ("ahh dah") and has said her name ("Eh gah") when we say it first or point at photos of her. She uses her potty multiple times a day, and she's finally learning to be gentle with the animals. She really hates going to sleep, but that's the only trouble we ever have with her.
She's also just a giant ham. She loves making us laugh, and laughing with us, no reason required. Someone commented on a picture of her that my mom posted, "Joy just rolls off of her, doesn't it?" and I have never been happier with or agreed more with a comment in my life. This little girl makes her broken brain depressed mama grin ear to ear every day without even trying. What a blessing.
She's also finna walk soon, I think. Give her a month. She's stronger and spends more time upright every day. I'm not ready for it emotionally, lol. She's such a child now. A whole toddler. Her hair is so long. She looks so intently. She gets curious, and frustrated, and excited. I get excited thinking about it.
She and my husband and family have been the brightest light. Times are scary and hard, and I'm having a hard time not hating on myself recently, but I'm also happier than I've ever been and I haven't forgotten that. It shows how much I've grown. I still remember a time when I thought everything would be awful forever. How wrong I was. I'm super grateful.
Anywho, I'm sure that's more than enough. Quite a long read about not very much this time, but that's life I think. Love y'all.
oh hell there's a couple other fun things too -
on my birthday even tho ma and aunt bam couldn't visit I still had a great day; I bought art supplies and clothes and ramen at my favorite stores for each. My favorite server is still at ramen bar, and he still recognized me even though I hadn't been there in like possibly years, and it made me wanna cry happy tears. I might've already shared that in a daily but it was so exciting I'm sharing it again.
I went to a coffee shop before clothes shopping with Jane, and while waiting there a mom said "oh my god your baby is so cute, she's giving american girl doll" and then looked at me expectantly but I really had no idea what she meant for a second. I said huh. She had to repeat herself. Hip new lingo. This woman was definitely older than me. Send help. I at least think I played it off like I just didn't hear her the first time? I weep. I am so old.
I thought of a new method for book binding that is super different and makes me very excited; I need to get my sewing machine usable for it, though. I bought some supplies for it on my birthday. I'm sure it's been done, of course, but it feels novel to me so I'm looking forward to making a few new super flawed notebooks, lol.
I am still writing letters. :)
I started crocheting a hat again cuz I've been mostly knitting and wanted to switch it up. God above, I love crocheting. Nate looked at me doing it and was like, "y'know, that looks right." I couldn't agree more.