Daily Share 26.2 (god in motherhood)
Sitting here trying to find courage to write creatively, and I stumbled upon something I wrote several months ago. I still feel very similarly to this, although I wanna put in the caveat that the desire to have faith and the ability to have it are very different things, and I can wish for something even as I consider it ill advised. Take that as you will.
Motherhood is unbelievable and amazing. It's both exactly what I expected and nothing like what I expected at the same time. I'm a completely new person while also being the exact same person. It feels like that should be impossible, but I'm completely certain it's the truth.
It is the most beautiful experience I've ever had, and also the most growthful and challenging. There are a lot of things about myself that I'm proud of, but also many things that I feel need to change. Change is a little difficult right now, because there's no consistency to work with, but I'm making an effort. I think it will be easier when there's more of a routine. Right now Erica is four months old, and my day still revolves around her ever-changing feed and nap schedule. It's starting to take on a pattern, but it's been more intense; she takes three to five naps per day of varying lengths at varying times, and usually nurses around nine times a day, but also for varying lengths at varying times. So I know roughly what to expect, but not well enough to make good planning.
I also just still feel like holding her all the time. She's napping on my chest right now and I could be using this time to clean our filthy house or do any number of productive things, but instead I just want to enjoy her breathing against me and typing about it on my phone. I feel some guilt about it, but also none at all.
All the emotions be staying conflicted, except for the joy and gratitude for this little being I love so much. That is the biggest constant of my life, and because of it, I'm happier than I've ever been. I've been pretty happy before, but this is just on a completely new level. Truthfully, it makes me contemplate faith and God in a way I never have before. It feels so miraculous. I feel so reborn myself. I need faith that my child is loved and protected by a being higher than myself, because I can't guarantee safety on that level and I need, god I NEED, to be able to trust that she's got that level of protection anyways, or I'll be consumed with worry. I already worry for her all the time. This whole experience is transformative and feels so clearly greater than I, greater than humanity even as it is the very crux of humanity itself. I pray for her. I'll do so devoutly just for the chance to keep her more safe. It's irrational and I do not care. I do not care at all. How strange.